CSI: Top 5 reasons why it is a stupid, stupid show

Ive known this for a while, yet a recent episode I watched last night of CSI: New York had me shaking my head in anguish.

dont normally swear in my posts, but for this rant I have made an exception to make my feelings clear.

Normally I would find it hard to make a decent list about why I hate a particular show, mainly because I would not watch said show more than a couple of times. But CSI, well, it was easy as pie:

5: Confessions

Every episode is ended perfectly, every time, with a confession from the grieving villian, EVERY EPISODE.

They all follow this pattern:

- Villian denies everything
- CSI wanks sitting behind the one-way glass say 'I think I believe him'
- CSI wanks then go out to the crime scene, and find absolutely obvious evidence that was missed the last time (see number 2), condemning the villian.
- CSI wanks confront the villian with the irreputable evidence, villian then breaks down and confesses to everything, saying how sorry they are, or how it was all a bad accident.
- CSI wanks walk out of the room, looking all suave and shit.

4. The spray / flashlight crap

WTF. Seriously. It doesnt matter how clean the crime scene is, you spray a little spray shit about the place, on the walls, in a car, and then shine a blue light on it, viola! You have either a perfect set of fingerprints, some blood splatters, some man-juice, or all three. Heres an excellent spoof of the blue light in use: Blue Light

Its not the actual spray light stuff that gets me, its the fact that it is used on every crime scene, with results every time.

3. Pull up the database of people known to have...

...Bought red lipstick over the past 10 years. These people have a database for everything, and I mean everything. I would hate to see the database servers and data warehouses needed to hold all this 'important' info. I mean, I do wonder where the hell they could ever get all of this random info? And what about the cost of having all of these professionals, working on all these different parts of cases?

2. Unrealistic evidence Placement

This is a big peev of mine. A couple of examples to explain:

- There will be some form of absolutely bleedingly obvious evidence at a crime scene that was missed by the 500 investigators the first time around, yet is found near the end of the episode, after all seems lost, and all avenues have been taken. This evidence will be just sitting there, and will condemn the villian on the spot. What a lucky find hey.

- The evidence found at the scene is totally unrealistic. For example, in the last episode I watched, there was a lolly packet found at the crime scene, which they followed up, finding where it was purchsed from. I mean shit, it must have been a fairly rare sort of lolly. (this leads me to the extra list item I have put at the end).

1. The Characters lines

This has to be number 1, just because of the main actors lines, and 'witty' one liners, particularly those of Heratio on CSI: Miami.

Some great examples of his mad one liners, and the characteristic sunglasses lift at the end: Endless Caruso one liners. Another great spoof is that of Lengendary funny man Jim Carrey, taking him off perfectly: Spoof.

Let us not forget Grissom, however, who has his fair share of crazy lines.

As a bonus, here is another reason that I couldnt leave out:
Bonus: Absolutely rediculous assumptions

By this I mean the rediculous assumptions made about the evidence that is found. Somehow the CSI wanks make some sort of assumption based on evidence, that is completely random, but is always right.

For example, in the episode I watched last night, there was a battery packet found at the crime scene, which for some reason didnt match the camera found at the scene. That MUST mean there was someone else with another camera at the scene, no doubt about it. Forget if the packet just somehow blew onto the crime scene, or if some person happened to drop it on their way past the crime scene. No, it must have been from another person, with another camera, not one of the thousands of battery powered devices people carry now-a-days. Sheesh.

Well thats it, ive had my rant. I spose I only have myself to blame for attempting to watch the tripe yet again...Back to good ol' Family Guy me thinks...


Anonymous said...

Excellent commentary. As I was reading down the list, I was afraid the stupid one liners was going to be over looked.

hambo12 said...

Yeah dont worry, I would never miss the one liners... :)